i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
