Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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