nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize
