nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize