The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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