quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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