how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
