i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
