I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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