I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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