Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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