i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
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