my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
