Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize