I faked an abortion last night.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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