i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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