I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
