I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
