I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize