i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
how drunk are you?
Several
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
