I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
