I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize