What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I can't turn off my feet"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
