Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Life is so much better after having sex.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
