hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
