oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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