Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
