just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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