I want to walk on stilts...naked
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
farters have to be the big spoon...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Randomize
