i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
