If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Is it because I queefed?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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