I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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