I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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