so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
