When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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