his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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