I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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