Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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