WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
