she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
