Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
