Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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