That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
