I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i out mim tonsoeep
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
