I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
