My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
