You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
