I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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