Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
