I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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