Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize