GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
