Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
