Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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