I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
