Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
