he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
