I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
