Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize