I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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