I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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