Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
