I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
