Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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