well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize