So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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