It's like God shit irony all over that family
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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